I kind of knew it would happen at some point. And it did. I've got a crush on somebody,
My mind is probably making it a lot bigger than it actually is, but lately he's always on my mind. The funny thing is that I am, for once, calm and I don't freak the fuck out about this like I would've before. I've learned crazy much about myself in terms of relationships and love these last two years.. Gustav is my lava. He is literally the love I never understood until he came across. I've always read the most passionated 'would you live for me' kind of love stories, and I wasn't gonna settle for less because I love being on my own, so so much. But since I've met Gustav I've come to realize that it isn't settling. It's maybe even the truest form of love there is out there, the one that grows and builds without forcing it to. Lava love isn't like the fire kind who's flame at any moment can burn out, lava is stabile and safe. And that may sound boring to people who haven't experienced it, I know because I used to be one of them, but it isn't. It is actually the closest thing to what we all really wish for, that true understanding and unconditional love for each other. I mean, fire is amazing when it's burning - but it's oh so cold when it's gone. But my lava is consistent, he's my best friend before he's really anything else.
Since that excludes that insanly intense passion and almost desperate feeling compared to what growing in love means, temptations will accure. I knew it from the beginning of this, and I wished for trusting us if it's only a distraction. See don't get me wrong here (or actually, feel free to do so bc I've got it figured out anyways), it is not like I would, want to or am going to cheat on anybody. The last thing on earth I want is to break moj ljubavs heart. However, I know myself so well now, and there are certain thing's you just can't controll. Things like feeling attracted to someone for example, and I feel like 'cheating' is a pretty generalizing word, it is again a word society put so much tension into to make it a bit easier to grip the situation without having to think to much for oneself, since it's already so loaded with negative energy. There are sooo many cheating senarious, and though I'm fully agreeing on that it's not something to strive for, I still have my own opinions about this. You are always your own. I will always be my own before ever being someone elses. Yes there is relationsships and there is marriages, but if you really understand what that commitment is all about you would know that it doesn't mean that you are assured to not get tempted, or catch feelings for someone you're not supposed too. There is never a guarantee. The commitment is in fact about staying anyways. And that is beautiful, but personally, how can you ever be sure? Everything in life is temporary. Why do we even need that reassuring? What gives one authority to decide that a relationsship going to its end was weak or bad? I've stopped judging my thoughts and feelings after societys ways. Bad thoughts doesn't scare me anymore, mostly because good and bad doesn't matter as much as being real and honest to me.
It was easy to stay with Gustav in the periods I've doubted - as I always do, because he never tried to own me. He never tried to claim even the tiniest bit of me, he simple said that he knows I'm going to get out there and do big things. That he's not going to stop me, just value all the days he gets with me. Now, that statement may have gotten a bit weaker for him, because he loves me more deeply now, but I'll hold him to it, in whatever aspect that may be in. See I can never promise a guy I will be theirs, or that I would stay forever. But what I always will do is to be honest about it, without protecting it. So if I would get a temptation that feels worth doing something about, I would straight up tell him before anything happens. And if I ever will go there, I would not beg for getting taked back if it burns out, and that right there is the priority and thinking that I think the people who cheats in most cases don't get to.
It is exciting more than terrifying this thing with Yoshi. It is again a test, and I feel so strong. This thing is strong too, but there's not a chance that it would be even close to enough to risk my lava. I'm just flowing it out, learning. How cool is that?! I mean honestly, that passion, that intensity, that shit is what I live for. It always have been, since I first learned how to read. And I know all this about myself now too so I don't go all impulsive about it? I'm pretty impressed about my laid back attitude haha, and I'm pretty impressed to see how well my feelings for Gustav takes the test too. I have never wanted to stay with anyone after a distraction like that, which also makes me think crazy things like I might spend the rest of my life with this kid.
And the thing with Yoshi is that, I already know him. It's only the adventure and the mystique that calls me, not him personally. I feel it so strong, I'm not impressed about what he says or does, I actually think he's silly a lot of times (not the cute way) and a bit full of himself. But I also get him. So crazy well, even though I've only met him three times. But yeah, as he also clarified yesterday - we're both scorpios, we're both that intense fire. And that would most likely burn out for us, I think it's so cool how we both kind of know that. It's like we both recognize that it's there, but we also both know what it is. Does that make sense? Actually, it doesn't have too. Feelings doesn't have to.
When saying goodbye yesterday he kissed me on the cheek three times instead of the normal one and I pushed him away and he was like dude and I was like naah that's enough, you're dangerous and he laughed and in that laugh it was like he knew exactly what I meant and he know there's no chance I'm gonna do something with him, at all, but the tension is still so beautiful and exciting. And it's funny how sure I am of it because when he told me about how close he was to kissing me - before he knew about Gustav - I was feeling happy and terrified at the same time, and if he would have, the tension would be gone and then I wouldn't even find it interesting anymore. So since he didn't, I guess we're both on the same page with wanting to keep it like this for the few remaining days. And I think he have pulled back a little after I told him, which is only good for me too.
Leaving it open and unfinished always give me that annoying but welcomed creativity and inspiration so thank you thank you thank you for everything I've got on this trip. I just used it in the contemporary class and - I'm so fucked up, but that's what keeps me me, I felt that I was back. And the thing is I could probably tell Gustav, but it is unnecessary. At one level I think he would understand - after plenty of time and processing, but he is a lot in his monkey mind when it comes to stuff around me, so it would, atleast for right now, cause him more pain than good. And I'm cool with not sharing this time, for this is such great and amazing news and his ego would encourage him to believe the opposite.
The flow just stopped so I'm gonna stop right there,
I am the weirdest person I know.. For I am so grateful that my head is spinning like this again. Frustrated but happy about the challenges and growing this gives me.