I've been crying since he left.. yet smiling through the tears
The thing about traveling is that.. you'll never know how much of an impact the people you'll meet may have on you.You just go to this other country knowing that yes sure you'll meet new people, probably even make some friends, but nothing can really prepare you for those rare connections you might be so lucky to stumble upon, the ones that will change you and make you more. The ones that makes you sit back and realize that your life has building up to and preppin you for.
Keana was my first soul connection. And those two weeks literally turned my life as I knew it upside down. I was and am perfectly happy knowing that I might only get one connection like that for this lifetime. But can I have more than one? Can I keep someone that comes as a lesson close, as we kept us?..
I've learned a lot since then. People didn't ask me if I needed an ambulance this time, just hugs.
.. It really doesn't matter how much or how little time you spend with someone. Sometimes a few days can make you feel more, sometimes you just know. And I know I love this kid.
The crazy thing is that we both know we wouldn't have let our guards down if we both weren't in relationships. We're so much alike.. And I'm so in love with the vibe he gives off. He's independent as fuck, which among other things I've realized is very very important to me. The thing about us not actually needing anyone else.. I've always kind of saw that as a weakness in a way, that maybe my incapability of needing someone reflected my incapability of loving someone. But seeing it in Alex and finding it superattractive made me understand that it's everything but that.
Keana was the first person who truly saw me, and could therefor truly love me, and there's never gonna be anyone else like her/us. But Alex in his own way gets me like no one else does. When we talk, it's so genuine. He would ask all these questions, without any purpose of leading me to the answer he thought was right, and without thinking he already knew the answer. He just asks because he cares and he wants to know; and that shouldn't be such a big deal but since it is - I understood how rare that is. I don't really have that with anyone else. He made me think about stuff I never had about my ways, and life and like, how..? I've been going over this stuff a billion times both in my head and with so many different types of people, yet he just calls me out on it in the best possible way. And the most special thing about having these conversations with him is that he doesn't just understand me, he shares his own thoughts and experiences that is no less than equal, and like - not to prove a point, not to prove worthy, but to actually contribute to the conversation and get genuine response back. Basics of conversations really, except that it isn't.
It's been hella refreshing. Usually, I feel a bit drained after deep conversations. Even if I enjoy them, and god knows I prefer them over small talk any day. It's just that the people I'm around on everyday basis rarely have something new or interesting to say for they haven't had as much experience to grow from. Which leaves me to feel even more alienated. But with Alex, I felt like a kid again, in the best possible way.
It's been a while since I last stayed up to 4 am just to talk to someone, but this ol' grandma knows who's worth loosing sleep for.
A few nights ago we experienced the most human and beautiful thing together. We were at el Tejano, and even though he never occured to me as anything else than a friend, I craved his presence around me. I would just be ten times happier whenever he was close, I would be home. And that went bothways, he often hugged me from behind and always stood close to me, we were both still clueless though. Alcohol did have its play in this, but for nothing more than digging those uncontrolled human feelings up. I felt his eyes on me when I was dancing, watching me a little differently now..
We were all clinging and holding each other when walking home, but Alexs hand in mine felt more than it did with anyone elses. Still didn't think about shit though.
When we got back, he went outside. I thought I'd leave him, in case he wanted to talk to Bryn. But I soon missed his presence and looked outside seeing him sitting in the chairs with Bhumica, so I went out. He filled me in, told us about Bruce, and I sobered up pretty fast. I cared, soooo much. At that point, all I cared about was to be there for him. We held hands again.
He knew, by then, I still didn't. I didn't think at all about analyzing the connection we had, I only knew I wanted to be close. Bhumica went back inside and we sat quiet for four really long seconds until he looked at me really serious and said "emma this bothers me". It hit me so strong, because in that moment, I knew. Everything in my body shifted and it all became so clear, but to save some time I asked what does? to where he just looked down at our intertwined hands. He called me out on it, fearless, saying 'and I know you feel it too'.
The tired butterflies in my stomach woke up as if abrubtely waking up from an alarm. I just smiled and said theres no point of me lying to you, huh.
We talked about all of it. About guilt towards partners we both love so much, about society's way of labelling everything as cheating, whereas I've got some strong opinions.. Simply because I'm done feeling guilty for what I feel. I'll never be in denial or be dishonest to myself ever again no matter what labels I might get, I draw my own lines and simply feeling is not one of them. I encourage feeling, to everyone. I also encourage to think twice before acting on feelings, but always feel, always listen and learn. I never want to hurt Gustav, I never want to hurt myself again either. So I'm listening, feeling and exploring carefully and curiously, and loving it. He said he was afraid he was gonna fuck it all up, looked me in my eyes said he wanted to kiss me. I kept the eyecontact and heard myself saying 'but you're not gonna', so confident that I even impressed myself. He said he felt like a bad person, and thats exactly what we're taught to believe. But there's nothing this guy can do to make me believe he's 'bad'; I've tasted his soul and this kid is pure. Fuck all the shame we attach to natural feelings. I told him that I really think this is all just the human and ego coming out to play on our insecureties and our ideals/fantasies, that we now project onto each other with a little help from mr alcohol. That just because we have this strong connection, it doesn't mean that it should be anything else than it already is. We always tend to think that. I'm glad I'm aware of it and that he was so fully onboard with what I meant. At one point I started to shiver real bad because of the cold, he then picked me up and held me in his lap. I felt his thoughts as if I could read minds, felt his desire so strong and the guilt tied to it. He carefully got closer to my lips, but I stayed, whispered "Alex you know you dont wanna do this... Trust me". And like I knew, he did trust me. He backed off. And just the fact that we were able to talk about this so honest and vulnerable, while playing the ego game with our desires, is so unique.. I felt like he trusted me so much after that, to not let him kiss me, that he even dared to let his guard down even more. And I'm so happy for him that he did, and so happy that I'm so aware of me and us and all this that I wouldn't give in. He showed himself in a whole new light to me. Which was truly a test for me, because in that moment, he was literally everything I want and am weak for. That independency, confidence, tortured look of desire and the good soul that was the reason for him aching in the first place, aahh. It was such a beautiful battle.
Me and my butterflies have been wishing for and craving this for so long, but no matter how intense it got I would NOT let him kiss me. I wouldn't do that to Gustav, and, I also couldn't do that to Alex. Even if he wanted to. And the funny thing is that, we wouldn't even have been there in the first place if it wasn't for us having Gustav and Bryn.. He said that knowing me the way he does and knowing why I wouldn't let him do anything was ironically the reason why he wanted it in the first place.
I've said it before but.. there's just something so magical about spending nights together. You really don't know me until you've stayed up to 4 am with me.
I was happy with being just right there, with the oh so strong tension, with the lessons. I wasn't worried, and I didn't want the night to end.. but sooner or later it had to, and he went in and got his blanket for me in exchange for a kiss of closure on the cheek. I went to sleep on the couch, aching for his presence, yet knowing this is the right thing to do, for all four of us.
Out there, I had told him I was afraid of loosing him. I always end up doing so when a guy feels like that around me. But Alex promised that we're always gonna be friends, and it really sounded like he ment it, he had a different look in his eyes. I actually believed him.
I was afraid it was gonna be different the next day, but he was still Alex. Alex with controll, and like 99% less desire. Obviously, that's when my monkey mind started acting crazy.. (Ego, aren't you a charm). He seemed so unbothered and out of reach and I damned the mornings for a second for taking the magic of the nights away. But he did NOT resent me. I was a little proud.
It was as if it had left his mind and now filled up all of mine. I was craving his presence like crazy.. but at the same time, thanking universe for the mess he had made in my mind (yea I know, I'm the weirdest person I know too, but I love it).
I spend the next two days there, not always with him but just around. Processing. Loving the frustration. And laughing in my head about how neither of us could eat as much as we normally do. I knew my butterflies were taking up to much space in my stomach, I don't think he did. And I loved how he didn't try to hide any messages or phonecalls from her, how normal it was for us to continue talking about them at the same time as we didn't act like last night didn't happen. We just understood it for what it was.
This morning I woke up with a bad feeling. Alex was out, but texted me a few hours later that he was gonna fly home today. Bruce. I knew it right away. And that feeling of caring for him overwhelmed me again, so I just sat around waiting for him to get back. And when he did, he came back really upset. Only yesterday we discussed his triggers and temper over a acaibowl at our favourite spot. I had never seen him mad, or even annoyed. Yet when he came back like that, it felt very familliar. I let him talk and wander around til he started to repeat himself - stood up and got a bit closer. And when his voice cracked I went in for a hug and he started to cry in my arms. All the girls from our fam joined in and ahh my heart was aching so bad for him but it was also such a beautiful moment, because in a way we're all just complete strangers. But the love.. the love was real. And it humbled my armoured heart.
Went to help him figure out packing and told him he could kick me out if he wanted to be alone, but that I'm not missing another second with him if I don't have to. Nothing else mattered those last hours, this was bigger than any confused ego game and I was not about to waste time. He was still tiptoeing a bit around me, when it came to being to close fysical. Which I totally understood, but at one point when he was done packing and we were all just cuddling on the couch, he layed with his head on my stomach and let himself relax a little, and I loved him in the strongest of friendship forms. That night after El Tejano, he said he was happy I wasn't living at the house anymore, because it would be hard for him now, but I'm now happy to know that isn't true, it wouldn't.
My heart dropped a little when he got up to leave. I was gonna be his last goodbye.
I started crying as they drove away. Nobody else understood it, ofcourse, but they hugged me and understood me the way they knew how. As travelers.
We're so blessed to get to live moments like that, even if the time's always limited. But I guess that's part of the whole reason to why it's so magical. Would we ever really let our guards down the way we do if it wasn't for us leaving our countries and routines to be just us for a while, without everything we attach to it? The safety in knowing the space and the people, most likely, won't be permanent? We identify ourselves so much with where we're from, who we're with, what we do and what we have done to the point that we fail to believe that these strangers will see.. us. That they won't know us until they learn all the backstories and get to see both our flaws and our peaks, but everything that's our essence, we carry with us wherever we go. New people will still get you, without knowing who you are back home, because you're not less of you without all those stamps and habits. Some people I've met during travels even knows me better than people who've had me around their whole life - for they labeled me a long time ago and don't know how to undo that just because I grow.
We all carry our truest selfs and our essence with us wherever we go, just like that.
It's something travelers share togeher, that doesn't really make sense to people who never leave home. And as much as it hurts when it's time for those goodbyes, it's the best pain there is.
It has never been more obvious to me this fast that someone came as a lesson. I mean they all do, but his soley purpose is so clear.
Even if I wanna latch on for a second longer. But we don't always get to keep them.
Maybe it wouldn't even stay.