Best exes

I don't wanna go and jinx it.. as we're still in the middle of it. But this is one of those rare moments writing calls me to write about him. He's had so much impact on me during these last few years. I've talked about him a lot and thought plenty about all the growth and lessons I've got from being with him, it's just the writing part.. I guess lava doesn't trigger my writing like electricity does. Yet, here we are now.

Describing him doesn't do much for getting to know him. He's your average guy. He loves his friends, his family, works at the typical warehouse doing monkey work that pays the bills, gets both excited and worried about to me very ordinary stuff. But here's the thing, he loves his friends. He loves his family. And the greatest thing he ever taught me was how to be loved and love unconditionally too.

At first I didn't take him seriously. He was so different from all the other guys I've been with before him. He's.. real. And he doesn't even have game enough to pretend there's more to him than there is haha. He thinks he's great at it but he straight up sucks at lying. I wasn't used to anything real. I used to date guys who fed my ego, my fantasies and told me things I at that time wanted to hear, all to distract myself from my traumas. I wouldn't call it lies, as they too believed it when they said it, but it didn't even have to be genuine as long as it sounded convincing.. Gustav didn't get one right on that quiz. He'd always text the 'wrong' answer back to my cryptic testing messages, or not even reply at all. But then show up, hella worried, showing by actions what being there for someone really is to a caught off guard little girl. It took me a while to recognize.
I've been the special one to all the other guys before him. The exception. Of course they believed everything they told me as they said it, head over heels, but once it didn't work out, - mostly because I would get bored once the high of being in love faded, what they once had said changed. All buried under heartbreak and resentment and ego and shit.. When I no longer was an exception, promises no longer applied either. And I'd be left heartbroken, constantly reminded that nobody actually cared about me - as a person, they only ever cared about the version of me in their heads, the one and only scenario where I was the girlfriend.
Growing up in a toxic family and from a perspective of survival, you always have to deserve 'love'. You always have to think before you speak, controll your every move. So naturally I learned how to controll everyone around me, and I ofcourse were attracting all these guys who I had to prove worhty of love for, and once I got it I cluelessly left and repeated the pattern. Gustav didnt make sense, because again - he can't lie, and when he looked at me with those loviedovie eyes it wasn't when I was saying or doing all the things that I thought made me worthy. This guy fell in love with me the most when I was being annoying, ugly, weird.. And even though I'm very special to Gustav, he'd still go the same lengths for his family and friends. He's so loyal, regardless of feelings. That's why I felt I could trust him. I saw him with his friends, his family, strangers and even with his ex, and knew that this guy is more pure hearted than anyone I've ever met before. The guys before him would do anything for me too, at the time. As long as I was matching their ideal of me. But feelings are temporary, I had never experiened love before but me entertaining egos and insecurities - both my own and others, stopped with Gustav. 
He hasn't been through much compared to my wandering soul, he has never even had a real heartbreak, never lost anyone, so innocent.. I was worried I'd be the first one to break his sweet heart in thousands of pieces, worried I was gonna follow patterns. But despite our black/white different experiences through life, he has an emotionell intelligence that makes up for that gap. I don't know where he gets it from. 
After my last relationship I was done fighting.. So me and Gustav stopped the whole logical versus emotional aka male versus female battle. We learned to argue like a team, to fight the problem instead of each other. Ego, winning, and being 'right' falls short when you really do care about someone. He'd be upset that he could never be angry at me, because he always understood once I calmed down and explained how I was feeling, without justifying my emotions. He allowed me to be wrong, without forcing logic and smart answers in my face.
He didn't get emotionell smart because of me, but he found it because of us. This lead to a communication between the two of us that I cherish more than anything.. 

We kept that honesty and vulnerability until the very end of our relationship, and beyond. When we broke up, both devastated, we didn't exactly turn to friends. We knew they weren't gonna say anything we wanted to hear, how could they possible understand our relationship anyways. Tired clichés about all the many fishes in the sea and the preach about rebound hook ups wasn't really gonna help. So we decided to keep leaning on each other, through it all. We probably broke all of society's rules when it comes to breaking up. But we trusted that we'd figure out what would work for us, and we did. I'm so proud that we did.
His normal always reaches his reactions first, whatever it is. Watching provocative movies, discussing politics, or just deciding whether someone is right or wrong in different situations we hear about. We've talked about stuff like polyamory, cheating, world leaders, friends situations etc, and he always goes with the obvious and social conditioned answer. Until, that is, we really get in to it. And he's able to be open enough to consider changing his strong opinion, because even if he doesn't think the same way, he feels with people and his heart is to big to stay with easy answers and categories. That's why I love him so much. 

I've been through the process of break ups and heartbreaks before, I know the patterns. I was very cautious around him when we first broke up, looked for any sign that he was hurting by us still living together. But again he surprised me with his maturity, that comes from basically zero experience, and handled it even better than I was. He's been my rock through out this.
Sure, he was loosing his girlfriend and first big love, but he also knew I was loosing not only my boyfriend, but my best friend, my pets (read babies), my first home, my only family, and only known stability. So he kept stable. We navigated all those patterns together. Like the phase where you only remember everything that was ever good about the relationship, do you know how amazing it is, not being caught up by the memories because you're still living with the reality? I know this wouldn't work for a lot of different exes, but I'm glad (and confused) how we always seem to be on the same page.
I think, we're in some sort of end phase of the process now. It's like we're roomates. It's a dream, really. Moving out doesn't even seem as terrifying anymore. He's probably gonna help me with that too. I only have two guys in my life that I trust with forever, two who's good heart doesn't depend on the love they have for me but for their pure souls. Gustav will always be in my life. I'm guessing that numbs the selection of future boyfriends down a bit hahah. But it just makes it easier, a new man have a lot to live up to in terms of maturity in emotional intelligence, so if he can't handle that he ain't it. 

We both kept saying as we broke up that just because this is coming to an end, it doesn't mean it wasn't good or right. It's legit one of the best thing that has ever happened to both of us. But the lessons are learned and being a couple is not benefitting neither one of us anymore. Rather end it than stay and turn something beautiful into something toxic.
I'm just so proud of him, and us, for not caving in to societys opinions. This is the healthiest shit ever and I almost can't believe it. 

We smashed the break up game. 


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