I’ve felt it building up over the last few days.. I finally cracked.
And now mid crying it became very clear to me that this little magnetic pull there is between T and I was neither a chance to re-do nor a trick. It was me grasping for a distraction. He was probably never even part of it at all.
Old habits die hard, huh?..
For teaching me how to be loved right
For being vulnerable and honest with me
For loving all of me, and not only when I deserve it
For being annoying and unreasonable at times, so I could learn how to not always just walk away
For all the laughs
For how mature you are emotionally, after first getting to have your reaction haha
For being a mirror - showing me where I had some serious work to do
For growing and letting me grow, regardless of that means us growing apart
For taking care of me
For trusting us and letting us do this our own way
For being my family, my safe place
For being you.
There’s so many stories behind these words.. the depth of which will never translate well enough to explain everything loving you and being loved by you have changed in me.
We’ve had a ton of different relationships during the four years we’ve lived together, you’ve been my boyfriend, brother, parent, maid, motivator, kid, mirror, chef, best friend, wrestling partner lol, nurse etc etc.. And even though people only seem to get hung up on the boyfriend one, I care way more about the one where we’re best friends. You've always been so much more than just a "boyfriend".
Moving apart is actually way harder than breaking up..
I will always and forever love you, in whatever form our relationship takes. Your love have healed so many wounds of mine, and the lack thereof is no longer in every decision I make.
You have changed my life Gustav.
I don't believe he's the one I'm being prepped for.
The one I've somehow always been waiting on.. Maybe he's just a part of the prepping too, but I know there's depths to discover between us that we haven't even begun to touch yet.
I'm a bit worried. Might crush a bit too hard, a bit to fast. Scared he'll slip through my fingers once again. Not really because of the pain, but because it takes both of us to explore whatever this is. I can't access it alone, so if he disappears on me I'm left without knowing, again.
I don't know what it is... This magnetic pull he has on me. Chemistry is so weird man. Especially now when I haven't seen him for a few days and am back to "normal". I really can't see what the fuss is about haha. How does he affect me so much? It's not what he says, nor what he does, or what his thoughts reflects. It's literally only when he's around, and even then it doesn't have to be exciting or extrodinary, it could even be slightly awkward or 'boring'. But there's still always tension.
I usually gets handed lessons through crushes.. just thought I already had mine with him.. I wonder if this is just a trick, or a second chance to something real that we've been denying ourselves. Like if it's actually just desire (but I don't even really want it?). I know he feels it too. I don't know how good he is at fooling himself though. Don't know why this pull between us is back, or if it never actually left. Summer's almost over and I leave in less than a month. I really don't wish for this to turn into a forever-never-finished-type of thing. I pity lovers stuck in that. Damnit, won't you just reveal your purpose already?
Baby don't be shy lets go and fall in love...
I love this page.
I love reading back about old wounds and past lovers
with love, and way better understanding
Or to come on here to word vomit about whatever it is that triggers new feelings in me
Sometimes tempted, yet I won't to go back into posts and re write the parts and thought patters I no longer agree with
cause what better way is there to measure growth, than messy notes from my online diary?
It's really enlightening having a friend who's a guy who, even if given the option, wouldn't dive at the chance. For once, I learn what a (not-even-slightly-into-you-)friend actually finds interesting about me. How funny my jokes really are. Since he doesn't see me that way, he also doesn't care about making a good impression on me that same way. He's happy to disagree with me, - loving that, he's safer showing all his human flaws, and his attention is not on me automatically. I'm really not used to it, but it's a lovely punch in the ego. He's not contributing to a false sense of safety on my behalf to then just steal it all away when he finally realize my words were actually truth the whole time, the I - don't - like - you - like - that. I'm tired of falling for the trick and having guys liking me because of their feelings. Just sort them out and like me anyways, regardless of what gains our relationship feeds your ego. I'm cool, I promise.
I just don't like you being my friend because of hope, unaware or not.
Because I do care, even when you stop.
Alex asked me a while ago, out of the blue and with no context like he so often does; who do you love? While answering, I understod I love some of my people regardless of our relationsship, like him and Keana. I've got no choice but to love them. My other favorite persons I love only because of our relationsship, because of all the history and growing together. I think it's crazy how a (to you) not very remarkable person can over time, depending on some random shared events, become so so special to you..
And then there's my love for all of the collective. They're all such different kind of loves. Not more, not less.
Counting my people, I felt happy that even though I might not love and be loved widely, I love and am loved deeply.
Isn't it weird how many different versions of 'you' there are out there? Like the version of you people you've met on a bad day have, a good day, your close friends, family, or all your exes. I swear looking back at the guys I've dated is like a mental flow chart haha. It becomes so clear what version they have when they're trying to reconnect, because they all still keeps the same past version of me that they dated, and cling to it no matter how many times I prove it wrong. But they won't have it, because the present version of me isn't what got them pulled to me as much as the past, more broken one.
People don't really hear what you're saying, because we only hear what we imagine people meant. In fact, the present version of you is only really true to you.
Alright, side tracked hard as always. Anyways, back to Norway. So even if our chemistry is a big zero, Olivers roomie on the other hand is weirdly attractive to me. On paper, he's not my 'type'. I rarely choose them like that though. Guess my type is that authentic type of personality, whatever shape, form and ethnicity they come in. He's younger, got big teeth, looks like a little boy and is probably a head shorter than me. But man, he is special. Magnetic even. I almost got tingly when it was just him and me yesterday.
I'm an open book
to anyone who wants to read
no secrets, no shame
I'm laid out before you
written in common letters
but rare language
craving deeper connections
unbothered by wrong interpretations
I don't wanna go and jinx it.. as we're still in the middle of it. But this is one of those rare moments writing calls me to write about him. He's had so much impact on me during these last few years. I've talked about him a lot and thought plenty about all the growth and lessons I've got from being with him, it's just the writing part.. I guess lava doesn't trigger my writing like electricity does. Yet, here we are now.
Describing him doesn't do much for getting to know him. He's your average guy. He loves his friends, his family, works at the typical warehouse doing monkey work that pays the bills, gets both excited and worried about to me very ordinary stuff. But here's the thing, he loves his friends. He loves his family. And the greatest thing he ever taught me was how to be loved and love unconditionally too.
At first I didn't take him seriously. He was so different from all the other guys I've been with before him. He's.. real. And he doesn't even have game enough to pretend there's more to him than there is haha. He thinks he's great at it but he straight up sucks at lying. I wasn't used to anything real. I used to date guys who fed my ego, my fantasies and told me things I at that time wanted to hear, all to distract myself from my traumas. I wouldn't call it lies, as they too believed it when they said it, but it didn't even have to be genuine as long as it sounded convincing.. Gustav didn't get one right on that quiz. He'd always text the 'wrong' answer back to my cryptic testing messages, or not even reply at all. But then show up, hella worried, showing by actions what being there for someone really is to a caught off guard little girl. It took me a while to recognize.
I've been the special one to all the other guys before him. The exception. Of course they believed everything they told me as they said it, head over heels, but once it didn't work out, - mostly because I would get bored once the high of being in love faded, what they once had said changed. All buried under heartbreak and resentment and ego and shit.. When I no longer was an exception, promises no longer applied either. And I'd be left heartbroken, constantly reminded that nobody actually cared about me - as a person, they only ever cared about the version of me in their heads, the one and only scenario where I was the girlfriend.
Growing up in a toxic family and from a perspective of survival, you always have to deserve 'love'. You always have to think before you speak, controll your every move. So naturally I learned how to controll everyone around me, and I ofcourse were attracting all these guys who I had to prove worhty of love for, and once I got it I cluelessly left and repeated the pattern. Gustav didnt make sense, because again - he can't lie, and when he looked at me with those loviedovie eyes it wasn't when I was saying or doing all the things that I thought made me worthy. This guy fell in love with me the most when I was being annoying, ugly, weird.. And even though I'm very special to Gustav, he'd still go the same lengths for his family and friends. He's so loyal, regardless of feelings. That's why I felt I could trust him. I saw him with his friends, his family, strangers and even with his ex, and knew that this guy is more pure hearted than anyone I've ever met before. The guys before him would do anything for me too, at the time. As long as I was matching their ideal of me. But feelings are temporary, I had never experiened love before but me entertaining egos and insecurities - both my own and others, stopped with Gustav.
He hasn't been through much compared to my wandering soul, he has never even had a real heartbreak, never lost anyone, so innocent.. I was worried I'd be the first one to break his sweet heart in thousands of pieces, worried I was gonna follow patterns. But despite our black/white different experiences through life, he has an emotionell intelligence that makes up for that gap. I don't know where he gets it from.
After my last relationship I was done fighting.. So me and Gustav stopped the whole logical versus emotional aka male versus female battle. We learned to argue like a team, to fight the problem instead of each other. Ego, winning, and being 'right' falls short when you really do care about someone. He'd be upset that he could never be angry at me, because he always understood once I calmed down and explained how I was feeling, without justifying my emotions. He allowed me to be wrong, without forcing logic and smart answers in my face.
He didn't get emotionell smart because of me, but he found it because of us. This lead to a communication between the two of us that I cherish more than anything..
We kept that honesty and vulnerability until the very end of our relationship, and beyond. When we broke up, both devastated, we didn't exactly turn to friends. We knew they weren't gonna say anything we wanted to hear, how could they possible understand our relationship anyways. Tired clichés about all the many fishes in the sea and the preach about rebound hook ups wasn't really gonna help. So we decided to keep leaning on each other, through it all. We probably broke all of society's rules when it comes to breaking up. But we trusted that we'd figure out what would work for us, and we did. I'm so proud that we did.
His normal always reaches his reactions first, whatever it is. Watching provocative movies, discussing politics, or just deciding whether someone is right or wrong in different situations we hear about. We've talked about stuff like polyamory, cheating, world leaders, friends situations etc, and he always goes with the obvious and social conditioned answer. Until, that is, we really get in to it. And he's able to be open enough to consider changing his strong opinion, because even if he doesn't think the same way, he feels with people and his heart is to big to stay with easy answers and categories. That's why I love him so much.
I've been through the process of break ups and heartbreaks before, I know the patterns. I was very cautious around him when we first broke up, looked for any sign that he was hurting by us still living together. But again he surprised me with his maturity, that comes from basically zero experience, and handled it even better than I was. He's been my rock through out this.
Sure, he was loosing his girlfriend and first big love, but he also knew I was loosing not only my boyfriend, but my best friend, my pets (read babies), my first home, my only family, and only known stability. So he kept stable. We navigated all those patterns together. Like the phase where you only remember everything that was ever good about the relationship, do you know how amazing it is, not being caught up by the memories because you're still living with the reality? I know this wouldn't work for a lot of different exes, but I'm glad (and confused) how we always seem to be on the same page.
I think, we're in some sort of end phase of the process now. It's like we're roomates. It's a dream, really. Moving out doesn't even seem as terrifying anymore. He's probably gonna help me with that too. I only have two guys in my life that I trust with forever, two who's good heart doesn't depend on the love they have for me but for their pure souls. Gustav will always be in my life. I'm guessing that numbs the selection of future boyfriends down a bit hahah. But it just makes it easier, a new man have a lot to live up to in terms of maturity in emotional intelligence, so if he can't handle that he ain't it.
We both kept saying as we broke up that just because this is coming to an end, it doesn't mean it wasn't good or right. It's legit one of the best thing that has ever happened to both of us. But the lessons are learned and being a couple is not benefitting neither one of us anymore. Rather end it than stay and turn something beautiful into something toxic.
I'm just so proud of him, and us, for not caving in to societys opinions. This is the healthiest shit ever and I almost can't believe it.
We smashed the break up game.
There's nothing like the promise a new book holds..
I'm only twelve pages in and already feel tingly, knowing that in a few hundred pages my mind will have expanded and that I have had to process and work through wounds as I go.
There's something real special about this author.. I feel like what it is to me is not something that can be justly shared though. I can only share it with me, me and I. Both of us. A non judgy place for my ego and soul to be friends, because I feel like they are. Even if that's contradictory.
As I got more and more hyped about it, I started thinking about how others would interpret this book. I don't think I can recommend a book of his to a single friend of mine because it'll feel like reading nonsense if you don't already know these things..
How do I know these things..?
Nobody ever explained it to me. Nobody ever taught me about this stuff. I didn't learn it from books, or authorities.
I did live it, though.
I wish you could hand someone experience and growth.
But SIKE, you can not. We're all on different time schedules and paths, as we should be. It's just.. telling someone, having them nodding, seeing them actually believing that they understand yet feeling a little overwhelmed by the disapointment that they don't.... Uh. People can only ever meet you as far as they've met themselves. So then why do we seek understanding from people who does not even understand themselves?
I decided that his writings is only for me, and the rest of the souls out there taken on the lovers path that I haven't yet met.
I've been crying since he left.. yet smiling through the tears
The thing about traveling is that.. you'll never know how much of an impact the people you'll meet may have on you.You just go to this other country knowing that yes sure you'll meet new people, probably even make some friends, but nothing can really prepare you for those rare connections you might be so lucky to stumble upon, the ones that will change you and make you more. The ones that makes you sit back and realize that your life has building up to and preppin you for.
Keana was my first soul connection. And those two weeks literally turned my life as I knew it upside down. I was and am perfectly happy knowing that I might only get one connection like that for this lifetime. But can I have more than one? Can I keep someone that comes as a lesson close, as we kept us?..
I've learned a lot since then. People didn't ask me if I needed an ambulance this time, just hugs.
.. It really doesn't matter how much or how little time you spend with someone. Sometimes a few days can make you feel more, sometimes you just know. And I know I love this kid.
The crazy thing is that we both know we wouldn't have let our guards down if we both weren't in relationships. We're so much alike.. And I'm so in love with the vibe he gives off. He's independent as fuck, which among other things I've realized is very very important to me. The thing about us not actually needing anyone else.. I've always kind of saw that as a weakness in a way, that maybe my incapability of needing someone reflected my incapability of loving someone. But seeing it in Alex and finding it superattractive made me understand that it's everything but that.
Keana was the first person who truly saw me, and could therefor truly love me, and there's never gonna be anyone else like her/us. But Alex in his own way gets me like no one else does. When we talk, it's so genuine. He would ask all these questions, without any purpose of leading me to the answer he thought was right, and without thinking he already knew the answer. He just asks because he cares and he wants to know; and that shouldn't be such a big deal but since it is - I understood how rare that is. I don't really have that with anyone else. He made me think about stuff I never had about my ways, and life and like, how..? I've been going over this stuff a billion times both in my head and with so many different types of people, yet he just calls me out on it in the best possible way. And the most special thing about having these conversations with him is that he doesn't just understand me, he shares his own thoughts and experiences that is no less than equal, and like - not to prove a point, not to prove worthy, but to actually contribute to the conversation and get genuine response back. Basics of conversations really, except that it isn't.
It's been hella refreshing. Usually, I feel a bit drained after deep conversations. Even if I enjoy them, and god knows I prefer them over small talk any day. It's just that the people I'm around on everyday basis rarely have something new or interesting to say for they haven't had as much experience to grow from. Which leaves me to feel even more alienated. But with Alex, I felt like a kid again, in the best possible way.
It's been a while since I last stayed up to 4 am just to talk to someone, but this ol' grandma knows who's worth loosing sleep for.
A few nights ago we experienced the most human and beautiful thing together. We were at el Tejano, and even though he never occured to me as anything else than a friend, I craved his presence around me. I would just be ten times happier whenever he was close, I would be home. And that went bothways, he often hugged me from behind and always stood close to me, we were both still clueless though. Alcohol did have its play in this, but for nothing more than digging those uncontrolled human feelings up. I felt his eyes on me when I was dancing, watching me a little differently now..
We were all clinging and holding each other when walking home, but Alexs hand in mine felt more than it did with anyone elses. Still didn't think about shit though.
When we got back, he went outside. I thought I'd leave him, in case he wanted to talk to Bryn. But I soon missed his presence and looked outside seeing him sitting in the chairs with Bhumica, so I went out. He filled me in, told us about Bruce, and I sobered up pretty fast. I cared, soooo much. At that point, all I cared about was to be there for him. We held hands again.
He knew, by then, I still didn't. I didn't think at all about analyzing the connection we had, I only knew I wanted to be close. Bhumica went back inside and we sat quiet for four really long seconds until he looked at me really serious and said "emma this bothers me". It hit me so strong, because in that moment, I knew. Everything in my body shifted and it all became so clear, but to save some time I asked what does? to where he just looked down at our intertwined hands. He called me out on it, fearless, saying 'and I know you feel it too'.
The tired butterflies in my stomach woke up as if abrubtely waking up from an alarm. I just smiled and said theres no point of me lying to you, huh.
We talked about all of it. About guilt towards partners we both love so much, about society's way of labelling everything as cheating, whereas I've got some strong opinions.. Simply because I'm done feeling guilty for what I feel. I'll never be in denial or be dishonest to myself ever again no matter what labels I might get, I draw my own lines and simply feeling is not one of them. I encourage feeling, to everyone. I also encourage to think twice before acting on feelings, but always feel, always listen and learn. I never want to hurt Gustav, I never want to hurt myself again either. So I'm listening, feeling and exploring carefully and curiously, and loving it. He said he was afraid he was gonna fuck it all up, looked me in my eyes said he wanted to kiss me. I kept the eyecontact and heard myself saying 'but you're not gonna', so confident that I even impressed myself. He said he felt like a bad person, and thats exactly what we're taught to believe. But there's nothing this guy can do to make me believe he's 'bad'; I've tasted his soul and this kid is pure. Fuck all the shame we attach to natural feelings. I told him that I really think this is all just the human and ego coming out to play on our insecureties and our ideals/fantasies, that we now project onto each other with a little help from mr alcohol. That just because we have this strong connection, it doesn't mean that it should be anything else than it already is. We always tend to think that. I'm glad I'm aware of it and that he was so fully onboard with what I meant. At one point I started to shiver real bad because of the cold, he then picked me up and held me in his lap. I felt his thoughts as if I could read minds, felt his desire so strong and the guilt tied to it. He carefully got closer to my lips, but I stayed, whispered "Alex you know you dont wanna do this... Trust me". And like I knew, he did trust me. He backed off. And just the fact that we were able to talk about this so honest and vulnerable, while playing the ego game with our desires, is so unique.. I felt like he trusted me so much after that, to not let him kiss me, that he even dared to let his guard down even more. And I'm so happy for him that he did, and so happy that I'm so aware of me and us and all this that I wouldn't give in. He showed himself in a whole new light to me. Which was truly a test for me, because in that moment, he was literally everything I want and am weak for. That independency, confidence, tortured look of desire and the good soul that was the reason for him aching in the first place, aahh. It was such a beautiful battle.
Me and my butterflies have been wishing for and craving this for so long, but no matter how intense it got I would NOT let him kiss me. I wouldn't do that to Gustav, and, I also couldn't do that to Alex. Even if he wanted to. And the funny thing is that, we wouldn't even have been there in the first place if it wasn't for us having Gustav and Bryn.. He said that knowing me the way he does and knowing why I wouldn't let him do anything was ironically the reason why he wanted it in the first place.
I've said it before but.. there's just something so magical about spending nights together. You really don't know me until you've stayed up to 4 am with me.
I was happy with being just right there, with the oh so strong tension, with the lessons. I wasn't worried, and I didn't want the night to end.. but sooner or later it had to, and he went in and got his blanket for me in exchange for a kiss of closure on the cheek. I went to sleep on the couch, aching for his presence, yet knowing this is the right thing to do, for all four of us.
Out there, I had told him I was afraid of loosing him. I always end up doing so when a guy feels like that around me. But Alex promised that we're always gonna be friends, and it really sounded like he ment it, he had a different look in his eyes. I actually believed him.
I was afraid it was gonna be different the next day, but he was still Alex. Alex with controll, and like 99% less desire. Obviously, that's when my monkey mind started acting crazy.. (Ego, aren't you a charm). He seemed so unbothered and out of reach and I damned the mornings for a second for taking the magic of the nights away. But he did NOT resent me. I was a little proud.
It was as if it had left his mind and now filled up all of mine. I was craving his presence like crazy.. but at the same time, thanking universe for the mess he had made in my mind (yea I know, I'm the weirdest person I know too, but I love it).
I spend the next two days there, not always with him but just around. Processing. Loving the frustration. And laughing in my head about how neither of us could eat as much as we normally do. I knew my butterflies were taking up to much space in my stomach, I don't think he did. And I loved how he didn't try to hide any messages or phonecalls from her, how normal it was for us to continue talking about them at the same time as we didn't act like last night didn't happen. We just understood it for what it was.
This morning I woke up with a bad feeling. Alex was out, but texted me a few hours later that he was gonna fly home today. Bruce. I knew it right away. And that feeling of caring for him overwhelmed me again, so I just sat around waiting for him to get back. And when he did, he came back really upset. Only yesterday we discussed his triggers and temper over a acaibowl at our favourite spot. I had never seen him mad, or even annoyed. Yet when he came back like that, it felt very familliar. I let him talk and wander around til he started to repeat himself - stood up and got a bit closer. And when his voice cracked I went in for a hug and he started to cry in my arms. All the girls from our fam joined in and ahh my heart was aching so bad for him but it was also such a beautiful moment, because in a way we're all just complete strangers. But the love.. the love was real. And it humbled my armoured heart.
Went to help him figure out packing and told him he could kick me out if he wanted to be alone, but that I'm not missing another second with him if I don't have to. Nothing else mattered those last hours, this was bigger than any confused ego game and I was not about to waste time. He was still tiptoeing a bit around me, when it came to being to close fysical. Which I totally understood, but at one point when he was done packing and we were all just cuddling on the couch, he layed with his head on my stomach and let himself relax a little, and I loved him in the strongest of friendship forms. That night after El Tejano, he said he was happy I wasn't living at the house anymore, because it would be hard for him now, but I'm now happy to know that isn't true, it wouldn't.
My heart dropped a little when he got up to leave. I was gonna be his last goodbye.
I started crying as they drove away. Nobody else understood it, ofcourse, but they hugged me and understood me the way they knew how. As travelers.
We're so blessed to get to live moments like that, even if the time's always limited. But I guess that's part of the whole reason to why it's so magical. Would we ever really let our guards down the way we do if it wasn't for us leaving our countries and routines to be just us for a while, without everything we attach to it? The safety in knowing the space and the people, most likely, won't be permanent? We identify ourselves so much with where we're from, who we're with, what we do and what we have done to the point that we fail to believe that these strangers will see.. us. That they won't know us until they learn all the backstories and get to see both our flaws and our peaks, but everything that's our essence, we carry with us wherever we go. New people will still get you, without knowing who you are back home, because you're not less of you without all those stamps and habits. Some people I've met during travels even knows me better than people who've had me around their whole life - for they labeled me a long time ago and don't know how to undo that just because I grow.
We all carry our truest selfs and our essence with us wherever we go, just like that.
It's something travelers share togeher, that doesn't really make sense to people who never leave home. And as much as it hurts when it's time for those goodbyes, it's the best pain there is.
It has never been more obvious to me this fast that someone came as a lesson. I mean they all do, but his soley purpose is so clear.
Even if I wanna latch on for a second longer. But we don't always get to keep them.
Maybe it wouldn't even stay.
Det tog mig mer än ett år, men.. nu är jag redo.
Det är så sällan man faktiskt pratar med någon. Pratar på riktigt, om riktiga saker, med någon som faktiskt förstår. Varje dag går vi runt och har meningslösa konversationer och ställer frågor vi redan vet svaret på. Bara för att det är så man gör.
Idag pratade vi om dig, om när allting verkligen gick åt helvete och förstördes till den punkten det inte längre kan fixas. Jag berättade för Annelie om brevet. Ända sen den gången har jag inte kunnat läsa det, men jag tror jag kommer göra det ikväll. För här sitter jag på tåget hem från Göteborg, med en väl igenkänd klump i halsen och tårar som trycker i ögonvrån. Ikväll blev jag påmind om att jag älskar Annelie. Vi är så duktiga på att bygga upp murar och genom det låta oss själva tro att vi inte längre bryr oss, men jag var och är fortfarande sårad över hur hon bara kunde sluta bry sig om mig. Om lilla skitungen som alltid sett upp så till henne, behövt henne, älskat henne. Emma fick istället den platsen och hon behövde den mer än jag, så jag hjälpte med vad jag kunde att få ihop dem mer så att hon kanske kunde få må bättre så som jag mådde bättre av Annelie när det var jag som var dålig. Jag förstod bara inte att det skulle betyda att jag inte längre skulle få plats, att vår relation skulle ändras helt och att jag istället skulle bli personen alla tar shots på i familjen.
Men det var okej, för Emma behövde det mer än jag.
Ikväll har jag spenderat tid med Annelie och Ivan själva, utan alla roller vi får och själv sätter på oss när vi ses hela familjen. Ikväll pratade vi faktiskt, och jag fick se den systern jag var så nära med innan igen. Och lika mycket som det var skönt gjorde det ont, en viss lättnad om att hon var kvar men samtidigt en tyngd i att veta hur mycket det fortfarande spelar roll. Jag såg Ivan också. Och jag gillar honom väldigt mycket. Jag trodde aldrig jag skulle säga det till dem, men rätt som det var hade jag berättat hur orolig jag är för Linda. Och det tog oss vidare in på alla möjliga familjeerfarenheter, som jag denna gången inte läste upp som per automatik - för Annelie är ju på insidan. Helt plötsligt hade jag börjat berätta vad som faktiskt hände när du kastade ut mig, sanningen som jag inte delade med någon i familjen när jag levde den, för att dem inte skulle kunna peka sina felriktade fingrar mot mig. Fingrar du glatt böjde. Och för att jag inte orkade. Du gjorde mig så trött. Men jag har inte pratat om det på så länge, inte så här. Och när jag väl gör det sviker min röst mig, och jag börjar känna. Sådär på riktigt, som man inte gör varje dag. Men jag fortsatte tills jag hade berättat.
Så jag ska ge det ett försök nu att läsa igenom vad jag en gång skrev, och försöka fortsätta där det tog slut när du avbröt mig.
Några dagar efter du skrivit på facebook att jag hade två veckor på mig att packa ihop och flytta började jag skriva ett brev. Ett brev jag aldrig tänkt du ska få läsa. Detta är långt ifrån det värsta du gjort mot mig, men det var det sista jag skulle låta dig göra. Min mening var att tillåta mig själv tänka alla tankar om dig som jag ignorerat för att kunna skydda dig, att försöka samla och bearbeta tjugo års känslor som jag levt större delen till att tro att de är normala. Första och sista gången liksom, jag orkade ändå inte mer.
8 Februari 2016 - A letter to mom
Jag vet att där finns många fula ord, ihoptryckta känslor och välbetänkta, formulerade meningar precis under ytan på min bleka hud.
Det är en konstig känsla att försöka förklara för någon. Ibland kan jag nästan svära på att den här känslo-tsunamin existerar på riktigt inuti mig och inte bara i min hjärna. Jag känner den på avstånd några sekunder innan den slår till, men det finns ingenstans att springa eller gömma sig på. Ljuden från vad dem kallar verkligheten blir plötsligt låga och ersätts med ett slags hånfullt muller. Sen slår den till med full styrka och försöka dränka mig i allt jag jobbat så hårt med att tysta. Den river, sliter och skär i mitt yttre och mitt inre tills jag inte orkar kämpa emot mer och kryper ihop i den grå lilla hålan djupt där inne, den jag kallade för hem när jag var deprimerad. För det var jag, mamma. Hur ogärna du än vill inse det.
Sen sätts ljudet på igen. Men nu är verkligheten från inuti hålan istället, trots att jag når ut till både mun, ögon och händer därifrån.
Det är när den tog över mig som jag brukade få en ångestattack förut, det är därför jag sällan minns vad jag sagt, skrikit eller gjort. Men nu är det nästan som om att jag kan tämja den. Eller, jag kan åtminstone stå och prata om hur fint väder det är ute samtidigt som jag drunknar.
Jag är inte längre frustrerad över alla fel du gjort mot mig, jag vill inte ha en ursäkt. Att ha växt upp med dig och allt som hör till har format mig till den jag är, mer än någonting annat i min uppväxt. Jag tänker inte tacka dig för det, för det är inte din förtjänst. Det är på grund av dig. Men jag är tacksam för det nu, i allafall.
De första åren såg jag inte igenom dig, jag tyckte du var absolut bäst. Jag blev lik dig på många sätt.. Vi var båda två styrda av vårt ego, helt och hållet beroende på vad omvärlden tyckte om oss för att kunna må bra. Vi är båda socialt smarta, och har lätt att manipulera människorna omkring oss till att tycka om oss på det sättet vi vill att dem ska. Till att se upp på oss, bli fascinerade av oss.
Jag levde i samma bubbla som du väldigt länge..
Jag är inte riktigt säker på hur eller varför jag alltid varit så medveten, ingen annan i familjen eller min omgivning var det. Men det var väl också en del av varför du var en trygghet för mig. Du bekräftade att jag kunde se och känna på ett helt annat sätt, utan att själv någonsin riktigt förstå det. Men du litade så fullständigt på mig, som om att jag vore sänd av någon annan förklädd som ditt barn. Jag minns hur jag hörde när du pratade med gudmor på telefon, om hur speciell jag var. Hur jag kunde säga saker som du inte hört ens någon annan vuxen säga. Jag blev din vän mer än jag var din dotter. Jag var den som höll dig när du grät, jag var den som försvarade dig. Du gjorde fortfarande mamma grejer, och du var bäst i världen på att pyssla om mig och skämma bort mig. Men allt det var innan jag kom på att det var för din egna vinning, att de egentligen bara var för att du skulle få lov att känna dig behövd. För när jag behöver dig på riktigt, ja då kastar du ut mig på gatan, matar mig med lögner och vrider situationen så att jag är den som ska känna skuld och skam.
Det var allt jag hann skriva. Sen började du ta dig in i mitt huvud och stampa på alla knappar jag hade tills jag exploderade.
Jag kunde inte ens dansa den perioden. Bröt ihop mitt under en klass i skolan och åkte hem till Sverige, låste in mig på mitt rum och började ta ner bilder från väggen, en efter en. Jag förlorade mig själv helt i minnen och tankar och hann plocka ner rätt mycket under de timmarna. Jag satt i mitten på golvet med lådor och saker överallt när du kom hem. Och så blev du skitarg. Tyckte jag var så dramatisk som satt där och glodde.
Om det är något jag har erfarenhet av så är det att packa ner mitt liv. Jag har gjort det sen jag var fyra år gammal och kastades mellan mamma och pappa, för att sen följa med mamma på alla hennes nya karriärval och break-ups osv till sex nya "hem". Att studsa mellan mamma och pappa, nya syskon och nya halvföräldrar var inte alltid min favoritsyssla. Jag minns hur jag i vissa perioder började packa ned prydnadsgrejer för att försöka hinna bygga upp någon slags hemkänsla under veckan. I slutet struntade jag till och med att packa upp min väska överhuvudtaget. Kläderna bodde ändå där oftare än i mina garderober. Men att flytta på riktigt, det tar tid.. Två veckor att packa ihop mitt liv och hitta någonstans att bo samt förvara alla mina grejer är inte tillräckligt med tid, så dramatisk eller inte så behövde jag skolka för att få allt att gå ihop. Och det var då jag började skriva. Utan dansen som utlopp så blev det alldeles för mycket för mig, så jag ville sammanfatta allt jag hade att säga om dig från när jag var liten tills nu. Du hade redan flyttat ut men kom ständigt hem till det tomma skalet jag och Gustav bodde i, för att ditt EGO inte kan ta att jag var stressad och mådde dåligt. Och det är det som gör mig mest ledsen, att det inte ens är själva skuldkänslan eller kärleken för mig som plågade, utan de var att du var orolig du inte skulle bli sedd som en bra mamma. Jag svarade artigt och formellt på frågor, men var annars tyst. Och det gjorde dig så löjligt frustrerad. Du hittade på problem och diskussioner med uppenbara svar och for förbi mitt rum fram och tillbaka och pep irriterat om allt du kunde komma på, tills du inte kunde ta det mer. En dag stod vi och packade och du var på mig konstant med att jag skulle berätta varför och vad de är jag känner. Och jag sa bara att jag inte orkar nu, jag hade inte ens fått rätt på det själv i mitt egna huvud. Jag sa att du inte hade någon rätt till mina känslor, och att jag inte var oartig. Du fick bara lov att acceptera att jag inte ville prata om det. Men det gjorde du såklart inte, så efter du slängt i ett par dörrar och en massa spring, stress och tjat fick jag nog. Jag har aldrig för stått up emot någon av mina föräldrar, och efteråt kändes de bara.. konstigt. Jag vet knappt ens vad jag fick sagt och inte, men efter det lämnade jag brevet bakom mig. Vad var poängen?..
Jag var inte redo att ha den konversationen då. Jag hade 20 års ord och tankar att begrunda, jag var inte redo. Men du tog det ifrån mig. Du slet loss dörren som höll det på plats i mitt huvud, men allt är blankt nu och jag vet inte vad som kom ut och vad som stannade kvar. Du fick ditt closure men jag fick inte mitt. Jag lämnades kvar utan ord att säga men med lika mycket känslor som förut. Den diskussionen var bara för dig, precis som vanligt. Vem är du att ta ifrån mig rätten att vara frustrerad? Vem är du att tvinga dig in i någons hjärna och såra för din egen vinnings skull? VEM ÄR DU som kallar dig själv bra mamma? Så totalt blind för hur verkligheten är på så många olika sätt. Bekräftar dig själv genom människor som du kan manipulera. Du måste veta det. Du måste veta det någonstans. HUR kan du fortsätta låtsas? Du har förlorat ditt sista barn, och ändån ändras fortfarande ingenting. Jag tycker så synd om dig, jag vet inte hur jag ska hjälpa dig mer. Jag hatar hur vår relation är nu, jag hatar att jag inte klarar av dig. Men du kan inte ens låta dig själv innanför dina egna murar. Du kan inte låta dig själv känna att det är jobbigt, att det är sant, och att du gjort och gör fel. Jag hade kunnat förlåta, men jag kan inte "komma över" det och umgås med någon som är så vansinnigt naiv att det skadar folk i din närhet. Jag kan inte det. Ilskan och frustrationen var alltid där med dig. Jag var tvungen att bli vän med dem, dels för att jag inte blev av med dem och dels för att jag inte hade någon annan lika närma. Jag lärde mig använda det. Jag blev sjukt kreativ på grund av det. Men nu tog du det ifrån mig. Du bara tryckte och tryckte tills jag exploderade och tog ifrån mig chansen att bearbeta mina känslor när jag kände som mest, och vad som är kvar nu är gammalt, osammanhängande och inte lika starkt. Det är för svagt för att verkligen kunna dansa ut. Av allt själviskt du gjort, är detta nog det värsta. Jag vet inte vad jag ska göra med detta. Det är oklart, men ändån avslutat. Kolla på vår familj, om du ändån vågade se vad din uppfostran gjort med våra självförtroenden, och våga ta det på dig.. Du måste sluta tro att du bara kan förneka det tills det blir bra, detta kommer inte bli bra längre. 3/3 gånger har du misslyckats och du har inga chanser kvar. Din lilla tjej fick också nog tillslut. Jag var väl inte så speciell, då.
Hur kan du påstå att du älskar oss och ändå välja att blunda. Hur vågar du påstå att du älskar mig?
Hur. Vågar. Du. Påstå. Att. Du. Älskar. Mig..
You are what you love.
Not what loves you.
When somebody wants you, their ego is calling the shots.
When somebody loves you though, their ego is not..
/He made me question it for a while. He believes the same things I used to believe, it was easy to agree with familiar opinions. But ego is nothing but selfish. He would probably have said anything to change my mind.
He told me I wasn’t in love, told me I stayed for safety.
He wasn’t entirely wrong. I’m not in love, but I feel more love than I ever have.
Even the days when I don’t, there’s something there to assure me. I don’t question it. This could never happen when my ego was in charge, ego isn’t exactly known to be very patience. And yeah, I’ve never felt so safe before. But it doesn’t mean I all of a sudden would be incomplete on my own.
It was the twist of the words, the way of saying it that made me believe that it was a bad thing. Ego wants desire, passion. Ego wants to be assured, but needs not to - otherwise it’ll be bored and look for confirmation some other place. Always tip-toeing.
Love is not a rollercoaster, love is stable. Unconditional. The question was never about him, it’s about me.
Passionated, rollercoaster ego thrilling excitement. Or well-known love and acceptance.
What’s it gonna be?/
This mess of emotions got his body questioning
Is this feeling alright?
He studying my freckles like the constellations
And he's looking for signs
I'm in the car on our way home, staring out the window smiling back at the moon.
I just need to scribble down this mess of a feeling I have, to remember whenever it starts to fade.
I'm in the Netherlands, just finished my first international workshops.
I'm brought here to teach - I'm PAID to come here to teach. Flight tickets, food, it's all taken cared of.
It's so hard to get used to getting treated like this, when in the matter of fact I could happily have done this for free. But I guess that's what it's all about, to find a way to make a living out of something you would have done even if you weren't getting paid.
All the fan photos I've taken, all the hugs I've given to thank someone for an amazing class.. Now I was the one who received the hugs, and posed awkwardly on the photos with the happy students. It's so unreal. And so my mind often makes up excuses or explanations, to why I'm only here because I'm lucky. Or - that it's actually not a big deal. All because of the people back home who don't support me, or the one's that's further on their carrier path, so that maybe I'm not supposed to show how massive this really is to me. But HEY, it fucking is.
I'm here purely because of my talent.
I was chosen to go here, of danceschool owners who first didn't know me.
People here appriciate ME, praise ME, AND they want me to come back!
I am a hell of a good dance teacher.
I do deserve this.
And this, is to remind myself whenever I start trying to put myself down again.
I like a man who thinks about others in poetry
I took up reading again.
(Best. Decision. Ever.)
It's only mid January, yet I'm already in on my second book this year. We're still in the getting-to-know-each-other-state, but I'm pretty sure I'm falling.
I'm basically underlining sentences the way a student with a highlight marker does before a test.
It's something about reading and writing that makes me feel connected. It's closer to my own heads voice than anything else. Already, everything is so much more interesting. I often need to pause, reflect, and maybe write something down before I continue reading. This book already makes me feel more flirty and in love with life again. Man I even kind of want to see friends again, - by choice. It woke up some tired butterflies in my stomach again, and not because of a boy! (Not a fiction one either actually, it's a creative living kind of book, with the intention of doing nothing really - she just likes writing about it). It got me realizing that I need to pay more attention to my other passions as well, not only dancing because it made my heart beat the loudest. Because look at it now. Pounding and shit. I owe it to creativity for wanting to collabing with me and I owe it to myself. There's so many things I love that I put aside when clearing space for dancing; making videos, acro, working out, nerd-planning, singing, making projects, to draw, swim, read, write, growth, deep conversations etc etc.. I need all these things to be complete, I need all these things to maintain the curiosity I adore. This was just one of those pause and reflect notes. Good reading always inspires me to get back to writing, and I love writing.
The intensity I live for is very much alive in text. Most of the time, even more. Hell even when I'm living it myself, and I mean moments like being in the middle of a great first kiss, I still think about how I can't wait to get home to write about it instead.
BIG MAGIC is my permission slip. If you're a creative being too, read it.
Tryina be in love we don't fall too often
I kind of knew it would happen at some point. And it did. I've got a crush on somebody,
My mind is probably making it a lot bigger than it actually is, but lately he's always on my mind. The funny thing is that I am, for once, calm and I don't freak the fuck out about this like I would've before. I've learned crazy much about myself in terms of relationships and love these last two years.. Gustav is my lava. He is literally the love I never understood until he came across. I've always read the most passionated 'would you live for me' kind of love stories, and I wasn't gonna settle for less because I love being on my own, so so much. But since I've met Gustav I've come to realize that it isn't settling. It's maybe even the truest form of love there is out there, the one that grows and builds without forcing it to. Lava love isn't like the fire kind who's flame at any moment can burn out, lava is stabile and safe. And that may sound boring to people who haven't experienced it, I know because I used to be one of them, but it isn't. It is actually the closest thing to what we all really wish for, that true understanding and unconditional love for each other. I mean, fire is amazing when it's burning - but it's oh so cold when it's gone. But my lava is consistent, he's my best friend before he's really anything else.
Since that excludes that insanly intense passion and almost desperate feeling compared to what growing in love means, temptations will accure. I knew it from the beginning of this, and I wished for trusting us if it's only a distraction. See don't get me wrong here (or actually, feel free to do so bc I've got it figured out anyways), it is not like I would, want to or am going to cheat on anybody. The last thing on earth I want is to break moj ljubavs heart. However, I know myself so well now, and there are certain thing's you just can't controll. Things like feeling attracted to someone for example, and I feel like 'cheating' is a pretty generalizing word, it is again a word society put so much tension into to make it a bit easier to grip the situation without having to think to much for oneself, since it's already so loaded with negative energy. There are sooo many cheating senarious, and though I'm fully agreeing on that it's not something to strive for, I still have my own opinions about this. You are always your own. I will always be my own before ever being someone elses. Yes there is relationsships and there is marriages, but if you really understand what that commitment is all about you would know that it doesn't mean that you are assured to not get tempted, or catch feelings for someone you're not supposed too. There is never a guarantee. The commitment is in fact about staying anyways. And that is beautiful, but personally, how can you ever be sure? Everything in life is temporary. Why do we even need that reassuring? What gives one authority to decide that a relationsship going to its end was weak or bad? I've stopped judging my thoughts and feelings after societys ways. Bad thoughts doesn't scare me anymore, mostly because good and bad doesn't matter as much as being real and honest to me.
It was easy to stay with Gustav in the periods I've doubted - as I always do, because he never tried to own me. He never tried to claim even the tiniest bit of me, he simple said that he knows I'm going to get out there and do big things. That he's not going to stop me, just value all the days he gets with me. Now, that statement may have gotten a bit weaker for him, because he loves me more deeply now, but I'll hold him to it, in whatever aspect that may be in. See I can never promise a guy I will be theirs, or that I would stay forever. But what I always will do is to be honest about it, without protecting it. So if I would get a temptation that feels worth doing something about, I would straight up tell him before anything happens. And if I ever will go there, I would not beg for getting taked back if it burns out, and that right there is the priority and thinking that I think the people who cheats in most cases don't get to.
It is exciting more than terrifying this thing with Yoshi. It is again a test, and I feel so strong. This thing is strong too, but there's not a chance that it would be even close to enough to risk my lava. I'm just flowing it out, learning. How cool is that?! I mean honestly, that passion, that intensity, that shit is what I live for. It always have been, since I first learned how to read. And I know all this about myself now too so I don't go all impulsive about it? I'm pretty impressed about my laid back attitude haha, and I'm pretty impressed to see how well my feelings for Gustav takes the test too. I have never wanted to stay with anyone after a distraction like that, which also makes me think crazy things like I might spend the rest of my life with this kid.
And the thing with Yoshi is that, I already know him. It's only the adventure and the mystique that calls me, not him personally. I feel it so strong, I'm not impressed about what he says or does, I actually think he's silly a lot of times (not the cute way) and a bit full of himself. But I also get him. So crazy well, even though I've only met him three times. But yeah, as he also clarified yesterday - we're both scorpios, we're both that intense fire. And that would most likely burn out for us, I think it's so cool how we both kind of know that. It's like we both recognize that it's there, but we also both know what it is. Does that make sense? Actually, it doesn't have too. Feelings doesn't have to.
When saying goodbye yesterday he kissed me on the cheek three times instead of the normal one and I pushed him away and he was like dude and I was like naah that's enough, you're dangerous and he laughed and in that laugh it was like he knew exactly what I meant and he know there's no chance I'm gonna do something with him, at all, but the tension is still so beautiful and exciting. And it's funny how sure I am of it because when he told me about how close he was to kissing me - before he knew about Gustav - I was feeling happy and terrified at the same time, and if he would have, the tension would be gone and then I wouldn't even find it interesting anymore. So since he didn't, I guess we're both on the same page with wanting to keep it like this for the few remaining days. And I think he have pulled back a little after I told him, which is only good for me too.
Leaving it open and unfinished always give me that annoying but welcomed creativity and inspiration so thank you thank you thank you for everything I've got on this trip. I just used it in the contemporary class and - I'm so fucked up, but that's what keeps me me, I felt that I was back. And the thing is I could probably tell Gustav, but it is unnecessary. At one level I think he would understand - after plenty of time and processing, but he is a lot in his monkey mind when it comes to stuff around me, so it would, atleast for right now, cause him more pain than good. And I'm cool with not sharing this time, for this is such great and amazing news and his ego would encourage him to believe the opposite.
The flow just stopped so I'm gonna stop right there,
I am the weirdest person I know.. For I am so grateful that my head is spinning like this again. Frustrated but happy about the challenges and growing this gives me.
Respect her mind
Feed her soul
Guard her heart
Jag läste nånstans idag att vilken slags genre i musik man lyssnar på säger ganska mycket om ens personlighet. En sån typisk post som jag vanligtvis scrollar förbi och tänker typ "duh". Men idag fick det mig att undra om det kanske är därför jag inte lyssnar på musik längre. Varför jag knappt ens kan eller vill lyssna bara för själva lyssnandets skull. Förr kunde jag ju knappt stå ut två minuter utan min musik, jag sönderlyssnade alla låtar och hörlurarna var alltid i även på de mest olämpliga ställena, men det fick mig att känna något jag var i väldigt stort behov av att känna. Men det är väl det som är grejen, det var musik som förstod mig. Musik med smärta.
Jag pallar inte vara dålig på att må bra mer.
Har gått runt och letat efter en vän i huvudet ända sen dess men förstod sen att det var dig jag letade efter. Mig. Jag vet inte varför jag fortfarande söker utåt ibland.
Måste gå och pussa på min man. Min man som är den enda som verkligen visat sig vara där mer än i ord när det verkligen gäller.
Jag får säkert damp en dag och kommer tillbaka med full rant om varför. Tills dess!
Det tog mig typ 7 minuter.
7 minuter att ångra mitt beslut att följa med, att bli irriterad av hennes lögner och att tröttna på att se hur alla hamsterhjul-kvinnor beter sig socialt - hur dem övertygar sig själva om att dem tycker deras dialoger är intressanta men ingen av dem lyssnar ens egentligen utan bara väntar på att få säga det dem i sitt huvud tycker är passande, smart och fyndigt, så att dem kan känna sig nöjda med sig själva och illusionen av deras balla sociala status.
Djupt andetag. Aaaahhh
Min värsta mardröm är att bli sådär.. Var är ni som är som jag..?
Det var inte direkt första gången en vuxen kvinna börjat gråta och kramat om mig när hon fått höra. Som om att dem alla bara skulle vilja åka tillbaka och ta hennes plats, göra om och göra rätt. Men det var första gången det hände med en vuxen kvinna som varken var kurator eller psykolog. Det gjorde mig helt snurrig i huvudet. Det är inte hennes jobb att bry sig, men där stod hon med ögonen fulla av tårar, uppriktigt ledsen för mig. Ledsen för något jag i så många år inte ens vetat att jag får lov att vara ledsen för, för något jag trott varit helt normalt. Hon kramade mig på riktigt, ingen sån tröstkram som folk ger när någon gråter, utan en riktig. Det var också ganska nytt för mig
Dem (P&K) hade -bland många andra pikar, hintat till henne att vi flyttat ihop alldeles för tidigt, men blundar samtidigt för att jag blev utkastad. Vart skulle jag ta vägen?? Sättet min biologiska familj hanterar andras problem på är genom att kritisera dem. Hade jag ens öppnat min mun och berättat vad som faktiskt hänt hade dem ändå lyckats vända det mot mig och sagt saker som att jag måste skaffa ett jobb (jag har två). Med det menar dem ett tråkigt jobb, för om du har kul på din arbetsplats så räknas det såklart inte. Alla i min familj påstår att dem älskar mig, ingen av dem erbjöd att ta in mig tills jag kommit på hur jag skulle göra. Och låt mig då bara peka ut att alla i min familj har flyttat hemifrån, vilket betyder att det är 6 olika boenden vi pratar om, 6 möjligheter men 0 erbjudanden. Samtidigt som Gustavs mamma i princip redan hade bäddat soffan innan han ens hunnit förklara färdigt. Och Gustav.. Han behövde inte flytta ihop med mig nu, men där fanns inte ens ett tvivel. Jag älskar att komma hem till honom varje dag, till oss, och veta att jag är helt fri här. Men pappas sätt att tänka kliar mig fortfarande. So what om detta hade varit vårt egna beslut, vad spelar det egentligen för roll ifall det är ett stort beslut att ta när man inte träffats så länge som han tycker sig passa. Finns där en gräns på hur många år man ska ha träffats innan man får flytta ihop? För det är bullshit. Att man ska vara "säker" först. Typ säker på att man inte kommer göra slut de två första åren för då kommer dem och pekar finger och säger "vad var det jag sa". Det är liksom inte svårare än att man säljer lägenheten och går åt olika håll ifall någonting händer. Vi har bara bott här i tre månader men detta känns mer hemma än något av alla ställen jag bott på, vi har skapat så många minnen här på så kort tid, jag skulle aldrig byta bort det för att vara safe. Vi lär oss tillsammans, vi växer, vi tjaffsar, men fyfan vad jag älskar honom.
I'm not here anymore and I don't know where I went
Fredrik looked so much like Dino at one point today that I almost confused myself for having a past with him
I had no idea I was able to do that.